Brave New Hat - Chapter 1: The Yearning

I awoke to the blaring of an alarm clock. Amid the lingering fog of sleep, my hand slithered across the bedside table and slapped down on the snooze button. Turning over, I blinked open my eyes to a room decorated with Atlanta Braves paraphernalia. Posters peeling off the off-white walls, a baseball mitt worn and rugged from years of use, a baseball cap, slightly faded from seeing many seasons under the sun. The calendar prominently hanging on the wall was less of a reckoning of time, more of a countdown to the next Braves game.

Lying there, I found myself drifting into the familiar territory of my childhood. The yearning for a simpler time had become a regular visitor in these quiet moments.

“Come on, John. We’ll be late!” I could hear Dad’s voice, as real as if he were there beside me, transporting me back to a sunny day years ago. The towering Atlanta stadium loomed in front of us as our clunky Oldsmobile pulled up.

“I’ve got the tickets!” I called, pulling them from my pocket, clutching onto them as if they were priceless. My ten-year-old self had been radiating with anticipation, my pulse racing in sync with the steady thud of a baseball hitting the mitt echoing across the vast parking lot.

Dad had ruffled my hair, his larger-than-life smile lighting up his face. "You're more excited than a kid at Christmas. Let's get you in there, then."

Giddy with excitement, I hurried alongside him, the glistening green playing field stretching before my gaze like a dream come true, the smell of hotdogs and popcorn from the concession stands filling the air. This was more than just a game; it was where father and son could forget about the world, and just be.

I was abruptly brought back to reality by the harsh buzzing of the alarm clock once again. My heart ached for the past, for the happiness and connection felt during those baseball games.

I dragged myself out of bed and began the day as the man I had become, not the boy in love with baseball I used to be. Glancing in the mirror, a weary middle-aged man stared back. Once vibrant blue eyes dulled by the grind of adult life, the outline of laugh lines now just a fading memory of happier times.

The memories of the Braves - baseball cards, the worn jerseys, the countless games watched on a Saturday afternoon - it was no longer just about baseball; it was of a time when joy was found in the cheering crowds, the smell of the grass, the thrill of the game. These mementos were reminders of an almost forgotten happiness, a stark contrast to the man who now brushed his teeth mechanically, staring blankly at his reflection, only the hum of his electric toothbrush for company.

As I walked down the familiar route to the bus stop, adorned with tired looking homes, I realized how much my life had changed. The once vibrant colours had faded into monochrome - the greens and golds of the playing field, the blues and white of the uniforms replaced with beige cubicles and the constant hum of artificial lighting.

My surroundings came into focus as I stepped onto the bus. People chatted away, some engrossed in their phones, others preparing for the day ahead. A spark of envy flickered within me as I imagined their chores, family life, and social engagements keeping them busy. I just had the upcoming Braves game and a seemingly endless stretch of days that looked no different from the one before.

Entering the office, I exchanged the usual pleasantries with my co-workers before escaping into the confines of my cubicle, a refuge from forced laughter and hollow conversations. Reports, emails, and presentations - a seemingly endless cycle of the mundane. Each word I typed was as dreary as the last.

Lunchtime conversations filled the office, stirring life into the monotonous rhythm of keyboard tapping. Plans for the weekend were discussed, a wedding, a family outing, a soccer game. As my colleagues bantered and laughed, my own weekend stretched ahead devoid of such connections.

"Drove to that new steakhouse last weekend, John," Dave, my co-worker chirped, breaking my concentration, "You should check it out, best steak in Atlanta."

I managed a weak smile and murmured something noncommittal. He probably meant well, but conversations with Dave were mostly one-sided. Between his obsession with square dancing and his penchant for discussing restaurant interiors, I always found it hard to relate to him.

Jerry, the office jokester, joined us, flinging an arm around Dave. "You should listen to him, John! Unless you plan on hibernating all weekend again!"

The others laughed, and under different circumstances, maybe I would have joined in. But today, my mind was brimming with memories of Braves games, the distant echo of a cheering crowd, and the sweet smell of cotton candy. I stared at my half-eaten sandwich and realized I wasn't hungry. My thoughts had drifted to the game in a few days, and my spirits lifted at the thought of reconnecting with a past that seemed to be seeping away, one mundane day at a time.

I managed a polite smile and excused myself, opting for some solitude. I turned on my phone and was instantly transported to the world of Braves news, games, and player updates. My heart swelled at seeing the familiar colors of my team, the memories linked to each player, each game. I felt like I was part of something bigger, removed from the trivialities of my daily life.

A piece of me yearned to be in the stadium again, to feel the electric energy of the crowd and the adrenaline of a winning streak. I thought of Dad, of the photograph hidden in my drawer, and my decision solidified. I would go see the Braves. I would reconnect with the part of myself I seemed to have lost. I scanned the upcoming games, marking the soonest in my calendar – a lifeline to happier times.

It was time to look forward, I decided, energized by a new sense of purpose. I was taking a step towards reigniting the passion that once defined me. The Braves weren't just my favorite team, they were an integral part of my life, a beacon lighting the way towards recapturing a piece of my own identity. And for the first time in a long time, I was looking forward to the future.

As I stepped away from the lively banter and retired to my office desk, I pulled out the uneaten half of my sandwich and mindlessly scrolled through the latest Braves news, immersing myself in a different world far removed from the corporate humdrum. A ripple of anticipation rushed through me reading articles, predictions of player movements, and game-day analysis. This was my refuge.

Yet, the office cafeteria's laughter echoed down the hallway, penetrating my cocoon of solitude. It was a stark reminder of the disconnect between those unfamiliar faces and mine, filled with memories of bats cracking, gloves snapping, and the roaring of a thousand voices.

Distracted, I glanced at my cluttered drawer. Among the jumble of stationery and forgotten notes was a worn-out envelope hiding a slice of pure nostalgia. Drawn by a reminiscing mood, I pulled it out, my fingers trembling slightly as I slid out its contents – a sun-bleached photograph.

There we were, perched high in the stadium stands, an expanse of velvety green field stretched out behind us. My father and I, both decked out in Braves gear, had our caps tipped sideways, our faces adorned with triumphant, beaming grins. Memories surged like a flood.

That was the last game we'd attended together.

I could almost scent the buttery popcorn, hear the excited chatter, feel my father's strong, reassuring presence beside me. His booming cheer still echoed in my memory whenever the Braves scored, his eyes crinkling with laughter as he tried to imitate the umpire's stance. It was these little moments that tethered me to him, to the Braves, and to the boy who lived each day in unabashed joy.

A strange mixture of longing and nostalgia gripped at my chest. The excitement, the kinship I felt with my father – there was a yearning for that carefree spirit of my childhood that baseball seemed to evoke.

"Ignore the opposing team's taunts, Johnny," Dad's voice echoed in my mind, his smile lighting up his face despite the Braves trailing in the game. “They're just noise. Focus on the game, the rhythm, the scores. Baseball’s rhythm is what makes it so special.”

His words had held a deeper meaning than I’d probably comprehended at the time.

As I sat there with the photograph in my hands, loneliness crept in like an unwelcome visitor. I ached for that connection, with my father, with baseball, with the Braves, with the echoes of my past that had been lost in the drone of work, bills, and responsibilities.

But nostalgia, though bittersweet, has a way of turning the tides. It helped me realize the emptiness of my present and yearn for the beautiful simplicity of my past.

I gingerly returned the photograph to its envelope, placing it back in the drawer. That photograph – a moment frozen in time that spoke volumes. It was a catalyst, reminding me of the critical piece I was missing, urging me to reach out and grasp it.

With a newfound determination, I circled the date of the next Braves game in red on the calendar propped against my desktop. Part thrill and part reverence, the thought of returning to that joyous hubbub of my beloved sport filled me with an indescribable emotion. It was a roadmap to rediscovering my passion, a path that led back home.

On my way home, the sky was changing hues from the bright blue of day to the soft lilac of dusk when a familiar sound tugged at my attention. The rhythmic thumping of a ball against wood, the cheering of a makeshift crowd. A block away, in the public park ensconced between two dull residential buildings, was a group of kids playing an impromptu baseball game.

I was drawn in, a moth to the comforting flame of nostalgia.

I paused for a moment, watching them from afar. Their untamed enthusiasm was infectious. Each hit was celebrated with a joyous shout, each defeat accepted with a determined shake of their heads before huddling together to replan their game strategies.

The sight reminded me of my own childhood, of scraped knees, endless days spent in the sun, and the feel of a baseball bat in my hands. The smallest sounds and environment evoked memories, vivid and tactile as if it were yesterday.

"Hey mister, wanna join?" A shrill voice pierced through my thoughts, pulling me back to the present. The smallest player, a boy with a face beaming with an innocent, toothy grin, was waving at me, his baseball mitt dangling from one hand.

For a moment, I was tempted. The desire to be part of the game, to feel the rush of adrenaline I used to feel surged within me. But I opted to remain an observer this time, smiling back at him before shaking my head.

"Maybe next time, champ," I answered, my voice choked with a melancholy I didn't want them to see. His face fell a fraction before his friends whisked him back to the game.

I continued my walk home but with an odd satisfaction brushing my heart. The game, the young boy, the playground—they all served as a mirror, reflecting my growing unrest, my desire for the comfort of familiarity. I was assured in my plans to attend the next Braves game.

Back at my apartment, the windows framed the city of Atlanta coming alive in the evening light, while I set about making a meager dinner. The four walls felt hollow, echoing the gnawing loneliness that had settled in my heart. Cooking served as a distraction, the rhythm of chopping and stirring temporarily pushing away the yearning for something more.

Almost mechanically, I switched on the TV, filling the quiet with the ever-comforting sound of the nightly sports commentary. Despite my ritualistic viewing, my mind could only conjure up images of the kids in the park—their laughter, their carefree spirits.

As a rerun of an old Braves game flickered on the screen, I was ushered into my past while sitting in my stark present. The reverberating announcement of each hit, the excitement in the commentator's voice, the familiar sound of the crowd—it was a symphony of nostalgia and anticipation.

Through the haze of memories, the grit and determination of my beloved team brought a renewed sense of hope. A thought lingered at the back of my mind; I was on the precipice of self-discovery. The Braves and baseball, they weren't just a symbol of my past. Instead, they were a pathway to rediscovering my joy.

The evening meal was lonely, but hopeful. I had a renewed feeling of purpose and an anticipation for the next game. Beneath it all, there was a yearning for an echo of my past hidden playfully in the future, and the Braves game was my ticket to that nostalgic carousel.

The dinner wound down, the tastes and textures of the meal forgotten in the anticipation of a more profound moment. I carried my cup of coffee out onto the balcony, the Atlanta skyline painting a magnificent picture of a city settling down for the night. Lights were flickering in distant buildings, their soft glow reflecting the serenity of the surrounding darkness.

The subtle hum of the city night life provided a soothing background score as I sunk into my chair, cupping the steaming mug between my hands, seeking comfort in its warmth. My apartment overlooked a familiar cityscape but my thoughts were elsewhere.

In the calm of the evening, a heaviness settled over me. It was a clawing realization of the mundanity of my life, the grinding routine I’d unknowingly slipped into. In my pursuit of making a living, I'd distanced myself from a significant part of my identity - my love for the Braves, for baseball, for the camaraderie and excitement that came with it.

On this quiet balcony in the heart of the city, there was a yearning for the echoes of the stadium. The cheering crowds, the thrill of a home run, the familiar rhythm of a game enthroned in my heart - they were painfully absent. I wanted those moments back, the nostalgia blending with an ache for my childhood that had slipped through the cracks of adulthood.

With this newfound clarity, I decided to delve into my past, to trace my fingertips over the mementos lying dormant in an old box. Dusty pins, worn-out cards, photos and old tickets, each item a silent sentinel to an undying passion.

Hours turned into minutes as I navigated through my memories encapsulated in these treasures. The tattered white jersey with the silhouette of a brave warrior, the team’s colors still vibrant, bearing my favorite player’s number. The numerous baseball cards collected over the years, each holding a story, a memory of a game watched with bated breath. An old glove, once snug on my then little hand, now a gentle reminder of many a catch and release moments with Dad.

Every relic stirred the dormant emotions, frustrations and exhilarations mingling to create a bittersweet blend. In that cluttered box of memorabilia, I found a part of myself that ceased to exist in the confines of a dull office cubicle.

A soft smile played on my lips as I ended that night's journey down memory lane with an old, frayed Braves pennant. It was more than just a piece of fabric; it epitomized my unconditional loyalty. Although the fabric was worn, the bold symbol of the Braves felt like a rallying cry. It was a fervent reminder of my identity as a boy who lived for the thrill of the game and the roar of the crowd.

As the city lights winked off one by one, the night darkened into peaceful silence. I returned the pennant to its safe haven, promising myself to respect what it stood for better. The Braves weren’t just my favorite team; they were a part of who I was, a symbol of my past, and I hoped, my future.

Tomorrow would be a step towards that change. Reigniting a past that had shaped who I was. And in that decision, a boy’s passion for baseball kindled a middle-aged man's heart, leading him back to a game, a team, and a journey colored in the echo of joy.

I woke the next morning with a sense of renewed purpose in my heart. It was a new day, a new beginning of an old journey. Nostalgia had morphed into determination, and I was ready to make a significant change. Recalling the child within, stirred by the memories of old, I was going to follow my heart back to the exposed brick and turf, the excitement, the team that was at the heart of who I once was.

The upcoming Braves game was no longer just another bookmark on my calendar; it was the beacon pointing me back home, providing a compass direction towards the essence of who I was. The anticipation of stepping into the stadium, the scent of fresh popcorn, the cheering crowd—it was a heady mix of emotions that I welcomed with open arms.

Walking back into my workspace that day, I found myself viewing the familiar office furniture, the same four walls, with a different perspective. The pile up of unattended paperwork seemed manageable. The memories of the past and the anticipation of the future were no longer distant echoes but tangible concepts strongly tied to my present.

As my coworkers once again invited me to join their routine lunch, their voices slowly morphed from muffled background noise into sharp, resonating words. For the first time in what felt like forever, I nodded, deciding to join them. I sensed their surprise, but they welcomed me into their circle anyway. The rest of the day passed in a warm blur. Even as I mechanically completed my quotidian tasks, a sense of contentment accompanied me.

Returning home that evening, the solitary routine was far from lonely. It was as if I'd infused fresh vitality into the mundane. A solitary dinner, a quiet apartment - the surroundings silently acknowledged my change, my effort to reconnect with my past and with myself.

Standing on the balcony overlooking the rousing skyline of Atlanta, the echoing sounds of the Braves game playing in the background, I felt a sense of calm. The fluttering city lights looked less like indifferent spectators to my solitary life, more like a thousand well-wishers excited for my journey. The distance between today and the much-anticipated event on my calendar seemed natural and manageable.

As I marked the date of the next Braves game on the calendar, a thrill ran through me. I couldn’t help but smile at the excitement that was bubbling within. The sterile office life was about to break, making way for the vibrant colours of Atlanta's baseball culture.

Reflecting on the day, an air of anticipation swirled about me; it was tangible, thick, and powerful. The gaping void that I'd felt over the past years seemed less daunting. While the path towards reconnecting with my love for the Braves, for the game, would be challenging, the first step, the decision to bring about a change, was already taken.

The chapter closed with the vision of the upcoming game, the anticipation painting a vivid picture of bustling crowds, excited chatter, the notable green of the baseball field, and the resonating beats of the well-loved game. I was the protagonist of my life story, and this was the beginning of my journey - aiming to cross the chasm between my past and present, weaving the forgotten threads of my childhood passion back into the fabric of my routine life, one Braves game at a time.